The mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing.
It is like a bric-à-brac shop, all monsters and dust, with everything
priced above its proper value.

Oscar Wilde
Entropy Gradient

Arthritically Indirect with Gustav Mahler
and special guest... Godzilla!

Gustav One of America's most engaging talk shows, Arthritically Indirect needs little in the way of introduction. It's host, Gustav Mahler, Godzilla moved from a successful career in orchestral composition to an equally successful stage act on the stand-up comedy circuit, then on to television, where he has anchored Arthritically Indirect for several centuries. Mahler is known as much today for his wry political wit as he once was for his daring postromantic scherzos. We join the show now as Gustav is running through the usual introductory monologue -- and it is clear from his peripatetic persiflage that this inveterate rattlehead wants nothing more than to get on to this evening's very special guest...

[ Cheers and Applause ]

Gustav: Thank you, folks. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[ Applause ]

You're too kind. Well, I read in the papers today that Al Gore and Bill Gates have evidently been secret lovers for quite some time.

[ Laughter ]

So I guess if Gore gets elected we'll get a free tree with every copy of Windows 2001.

[ Laughter ]

No, that's OK! Don't open the pod bay door, HAL!

[ Confused Laughter ]

But seriously, what chance has Gore really got? Will America ever really accept a politician who has a broomstick wedged that far up his ass?

[ Applause ]

Or maybe it's just that he tried to use Quarterdeck's CleanSweep software and something went wrong with the install.

[ Weak Laughter ]

OK, OK, but the Democrats might be better off to run Gates. After all, he's been pretty effective at dispensing justice. Or I should say, dispensing with Justice.

[ Laughter ]

And speaking of Janet...

[ Laughter ]

Why do you suppose her visits to the Oval Office have always been so short?

[ Laughter ]

I mean, as Attorney General, we all know she sucks.

[ Catcalls