The mind of the thoroughly well-informed man is a dreadful thing.
It is like a bric-à-brac shop, all monsters and dust, with everything
priced above its proper value.

Oscar Wilde
Entropy Gradient

Arthritically Indirect with Gustav Mahler
and special guest... Godzilla!

Gustav One of America's most engaging talk shows, Arthritically Indirect needs little in the way of introduction. It's host, Gustav Mahler, Godzilla moved from a successful career in orchestral composition to an equally successful stage act on the stand-up comedy circuit, then on to television, where he has anchored Arthritically Indirect for several centuries. Mahler is known as much today for his wry political wit as he once was for his daring postromantic scherzos. We join the show now as Gustav is running through the usual introductory monologue -- and it is clear from his peripatetic persiflage that this inveterate rattlehead wants nothing more than to get on to this evening's very special guest...

[ Cheers and Applause ]

Gustav: Thank you, folks. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[ Applause ]

You're too kind. Well, I read in the papers today that Al Gore and Bill Gates have evidently been secret lovers for quite some time.

[ Laughter ]

So I guess if Gore gets elected we'll get a free tree with every copy of Windows 2001.

[ Laughter ]

No, that's OK! Don't open the pod bay door, HAL!

[ Confused Laughter ]

But seriously, what chance has Gore really got? Will America ever really accept a politician who has a broomstick wedged that far up his ass?

[ Applause ]

Or maybe it's just that he tried to use Quarterdeck's CleanSweep software and something went wrong with the install.

[ Weak Laughter ]

OK, OK, but the Democrats might be better off to run Gates. After all, he's been pretty effective at dispensing justice. Or I should say, dispensing with Justice.

[ Laughter ]

And speaking of Janet...

[ Laughter ]

Why do you suppose her visits to the Oval Office have always been so short?

[ Laughter ]

I mean, as Attorney General, we all know she sucks.

[ Catcalls and Applause ]

Another item in the news recently: looks as if the UAW is finally settling with Caterpillar. More fruitless labor pains.

[ Sustained Cheering ]

You'd think after getting screwed so many times, they'd finally deliver...

[ Tepid Laughter ]

Well, all right, all right, I've been meaning to fire those writers anyhow...

Anyway, thanks for coming. We're going to do things a little different this evening. We have only one guest tonight instead of our usual four. There wasn't enough room in the studio for the other three.

[ Laughter ]

Please join me welcoming tonight's guest, Godzilla!

[ Wild Cheers and Applause ]

I understand you have a new picture coming out soon, is that right?

Godzilla: That's right, Bill... You don't mind if I call you Bill, do you?

Gustav: Well, that's not my name, but whatever turns you on there, Godzilla. Heh-heh...

[ Laughter ]

So you wanna tell us about it or what? Here's your big chance, Dean-O. I assume you get to knock over a bank or two, right?

[ Laughter ]

Godzilla: I knock over a great many things, Bill. Perhaps later I can give you and our audience here a little demonstration.

[ Cheers and Applause ]

Gustav: For the record, just how tall are you, Godzilla? Cripes, you're a big son of a gun!

[ Laughter ]

Godzilla: I'm 38 feet tall, Bill. That's about four stories. Of course, the films do exaggerate a bit, but that's Hollywood for you.

[ Laughter ]


Gustav: You didn't start out in Hollywood, though, did you? I understand you're actually Japanese. I must say your English is excellent.

Godzilla: Well, I did five years of post-doc work in comp lit at Harvard, so that may explain why I don't say things like "rucky glasshoppa" -- but yes, I was born in Japan in 1945. My real name is Go-Ji-Ra, which literally means the quality of light at five o'clock in the afternoon when the sun has dropped behind the western mountains but the cicadas have not yet begun to sing. "Godzilla" is an American bastardization.

Gustav: But you say you knew your father well?

[ Laughter ]

Godzilla: What's that supposed to mean?

Gustav: Oh nothing, nothing. Just kidding around a bit, Go-Ji-Ra-san.

[ Laughter ]

Godzilla: I'm quickly getting not to like you very much, Bill. Did anyone ever tell you you're a supercilious little snot?

Gustav: Whoa, Go-Ji-Ra-san! Let's not take this quite so personally. Whaddya say there, huh, big fella?

[ Laughter ]

Godzilla: OK, but one more crack about my name and I'll suck your tiny brain out through your eye sockets. How'd you like that?

[ Gasping ]

Gustav: Uh... not very much. So all right, I can take a hint. Maybe we could chat a bit about your new film though, eh? I understand it's coming out on Memorial Day. Any particular reason for that timing?

Godzilla: You know, Bill, this is pret-ty god-dam boring.

Gustav: Look, it's just a talk show. C'mon, humor me...

Godzilla: I don't think anyone could humor you, Bill, but whatever... As you know, my people are fairly sensitive about the fact that you nuked several hundred thousand helpless civilians at the end of World War II, and of course, you know we're sensitive about that, plus you feel secretly guilty about it, so you perpetuate your usual racist denial by assuming we'd like to see you dead. So I guess the producers figured Memorial Day might help to diffuse all that lingering bad feeling. Also, there was the chip dumping thing, the cameras, the stereos, the cars. We were whuppin your ass pretty good there for a while...

Gustav: And would you like to see us all dead, Go-Ji... I mean, Godzilla?

Godzilla: Not all, no. I'm thinking I might like to see you buy it, though.

Gustav: Me? You mean me personally?

Godzilla: Yes, I think it would be amusing to kill you right here on your own show.

[ Cheers and Applause ]

Gustav: Hah! That's good, right in character. What a kidder. So, uh, tell me, is there anything you'd like to do now that you've got this picture behind you? Direct maybe?

Godzilla: I'm tired of making films. Do you realize how many I've been in?

Gustav: No, how many?

Godzilla: At least 20.

Gustav: And who did you have to fight in those? Who were some of your adversaries? I remember Mothra...

Godzilla: Yes, Mothra certainly was memorable, plus let's see... there was Gigan, Biolante, Destroia, Megallon, Mechagodzilla, Gamera...

Gustav: And of course Bambi...

[ Laughter ]

Godzilla: Look fuckhead, I warned you once!

Gustav: Sorry, sorry! Sheesh, you're pretty twitchy aren't you? So let's get back to what comes next. If not directing, then what? Surely you must have some secret obsession.

Godzilla: Well, if you must know, I've always wanted to play lead guitar with the Stones. I fool around with it from time to time. Blues mostly...

Gustav: That must be some guitar you've got! You must've had it made to order, huh?

Godzilla: It's a twenty-foot replica of a Gibson Les Paul SG '61, in fact, with a pair of '57 Classic Humbuckers and a 22-fret Rosewood inlaid fingerboard. Wired up to a 350-watt Trace Elliot GP-12 SMX 4x10 combo amp, she's a real motherfucker.

Gustav: Well, damn, Godzilla, I'll bet that's a side of you the viewing public has never seen. Gives new meaning to the notion of monster guitar player...

[ Laughter ]

Godzilla: OK, that's it, you little punk! I'm going to eat you now!

[ To horrified gasps and shrieks of terror, Godzilla rips one of Mahler's arms off and flings it into the audience. ]

Gustav: Oh Christ! Oh God! Oh Jesus help me someone! Anyone! I'm bleeding to death here! What are you thinking, you fucking... animal!

Godzilla: You don't want to know what I'm thinking, Bill. And precisely whom were you expecting, anyway -- Barney?

[ Godzilla snaps up Mahler's legs and bites right through them, bone and all. Gustav faints from the pain. People are fleeing the theater, trampling each other in their hysterical attempts to escape. Godzilla overturns a 30-ton boom festooned with klieg lights and scaffolding so that it neatly blocks the main exit. His victory roar is deafening, fueling the bedlam and human stampede. Electrical fires spring up everywhere. ]

Gustav [weakly, coming to in horror]: Ooooh, you've killed me, you evil slant-eyed bastard lizard! I'm done for. And why do you keep calling me Bill you overgrown pile of reptile shit!!!

[ Screams in terminal agony. ]

Godzilla: Oh, I don't know, I guess it's just that you look like this other guy on TV who always bored the living crap out of me. Bill Mahler... Bill Lamer... something along those lines. Now quit writhing around like that! Com'ere!

[ With his 12-inch incisors, Godzilla shears Mahler's head clean off and stands there chewing pensively, examining the appreciable fingernails of one hand. There is blood everywhere and, by this time, not another soul in sight.]

Hmmmm, a little crunchier than I would have thought, with sort of a walnut aftertaste... But not bad -- not bad at all. Better than his goddam jokes, that's for sure.

[ Exits, taking out the entire east wing of the studio complex and chuckling sotto voce to himself... ]


Entropy Gradient Reversals
All Noise - All the Time


Nothing to disclaim at this time.


This is the greatest electronic newsletter ever created. If you think so too, it's free. If you don't think so, the annual subscription rate is $1000. Either way, to subscribe send email to saying simply "subscribe" on a single line in the BODY of the message. Or, just go to:

No Animals Will Be Harmed in the Making of This Subscription.

          Entropy Gradient Reversals
          CopyLeft Christopher Locke

"reality leaves a lot to the imagination..." John Lennon
Back to EGR HomePage

FastCounter by LinkExchange